One day at a time!

That's how we're taking it. Yessir.

Since Deklan's leg was broken, my little piggy has had a fair bit of trouble getting comfortable for nursing. He loves to eat, loves it I tell you, but that durn cast really cramps his style. Especially in the evening, when he's predisposed to be cranky anyway, he is nearly impossible to get settled into a comfortable nursing position.

He screams bloody murder when I don't hold him just so. It's not a pain cry, either... I know what those sound like. It's a "What the HECK!!!??!!" cry. He likes to be able to kick while he nurses, and that ability is hampered now. Hence the frustration.

I've had to resort to pumping in the evening, because my little peanut just won't nurse. Morning, night, and afternoon aren't so bad, but when he's cranky, he's cranky, and that's all there is to it.

I'm hoping the Children's Hospital calls today, and when they call we'll get an appointment, and at the appointment they'll say his leg is healing beautifully and that cast will soon come off, and when that cast comes off he'll be right back to normal with nursing because he'll be able to kick again and everything will be happy and sunny and rosebuds and sunshine and butterflies and rainbows! Yes!!

One can only hope.... but I'm hoping for the wrong thing. I'm hoping for E-A-S-Y. Because life is all about my happiness, and I was happy the way it was.

God wants me to learn from this.

Last night I really was struggling with anger in my heart, because my baby was screaming and screaming and nothing was making it better.
It's amazing, the huge evil monster I actually am inside. I wanted to be mad at my little sister for accidently hurting my baby. I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to yell at my baby. I wanted to yell at my husband. I wanted to yell at God, for letting it happen. At the same time, I wanted to be "good". I wanted to be patient and kind, and I wanted to trust God.

The two sides of me wrestled for a long time. I kept crying out to God in my heart, asking Him for patience, asking Him for forgiveness because of the unjust wrath I felt.

I know why I'm angry. It's because, even though I know God is sovereign, I still think I am in control of my life. I make all the decisions, I do everything to make life run smoothly, I protect my baby.... it's all about me.

My Mom said something to me on the phone that really made this wrong attitude of mine clear to my own eyes. She said that as parents, of course we want to protect our children, but this is a broken world, and bad things will happen to them. We have to give them up to God, because they're His anyway, and He is the one who has decreed everything that will happen in their lives, all for His good purposes.

I have to give up control, because I don't even have it anyways! I'm just making myself sick, thinking that I can be all and do all in my son's life, my life, my husband's life.

Not that I don't have responsibility, of course I do. But it's limited, because I am limited.

I couldn't stop my baby from suffering the pain of this broken leg. But, I can be there for him, help him, hold him, nurse him, be patient and kind to him... these are the things that are in my control. Because Christ took my sin away, and I am free from it. I don't have to resort to anger when my heart is aching for my son. I don't have to sin. I have a choice.

That choice isn't going to be easy, which is why I am taking it one day at a time, with lots of prayer.

Trials and suffering are a part of life, but it won't last forever. And God is there to help us, to give us comfort and strength. I think I just need to remember that. When I do remember it, I am thankful. The other 99% of the time, I'm a big old blockhead.

Heaven help me.